jokes with guitar - TurboIce productions
If you were the programmer types.. you will like this one.
If you were the programmer types.. you will like this one.
Reading through an old post on this blog.. I landed up on this I posted earlier.. hilarious one. Post: Why should I think fast?
Had a good laugh at the first joke here
Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said
to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems."
The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine. I married a
widow having a young daughter. My father married my
daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I
became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my
mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems
occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's
brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse
when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my
brother is >my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my
own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say
you have family problems !! ".
----
Hope this joke doesn't get into any indian movie director's mailbox..
we already have lot of trouble understanding the story in some movies here.. :-s
This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...
1. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2. >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
3. Leave-letter from an employee who was arranging his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
4.
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,! please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"
6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache! is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
A man from the West, decided to write a book about holy places around the World. He started by flying to various holy places. Going to a very large place in USA, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$1000 a minute". Seeking out to a religious Guru he asked about the phone. The Guru answered that this golden phone was, in-fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God.
The man thanked the guru and continued on his way. As he continued to visit the holy places in Egypt, Israel, Iran, USA, Europe, Nepal, Japan, Australia and all around the world, he found more phones, with the same sign and price, and got the same answer from each Guru.
Finally, he arrived in Kerala. Upon entering a temple, behold, He saw the usual golden Telephone. But this time, the sign read "Calls: 1.26 Rupees/Minute" (which is less than 3 Cents). Fascinated, he asked the Guru. "Guru Ji, I have been to Places all across the World, and in each Place I have found this golden telephone and have been told it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other temples the cost was $1000 a minute. Your sign reads 1.26 Rupees/Minute. Why?
The Guru, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Kerala now. This is God's Own country... and it's a local call"
Source: As sp(read) from Venkatarangan's blog
Links:
Kerala - God's own country
John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a
kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico, Sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."
"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.
John replied, "Which team did she play for?"
Moral:
Think faaaaast!!!
Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."
That's what we're afraid of .
Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which
allows me to make use of my commuter skills."
I think we can oblige.
Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."
Sounds uncomfortable.
Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."
We can hardly wait.
Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."
We'll try not to let it go to our heads.
Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."
Good luck with that.
Experience: "10 years of experience in fineancial budgiting and
transactions rigistering."
But limited experience with the spell-check function.
Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."
If you insist.
Cover letter: "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your
consumption."
Yum. :o)
Skills: "Grate communication skills."
Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?
Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening,
interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh .
Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."
Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?
Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?
Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."
Did you minor in ear piercing?
Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to employers."
We're pretty shocked already .
Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the
two are usually inseparable."
Glad to hear it.
Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.
Cover letter: "Experienced in all faucets of accounting."
That should help with the flow of information.
.........my goodnes.. i had a stomach-aching laugh at that. Hope you too had. Have a great day. -Harish
Lufthansa Airlines
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but
were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane.
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and
quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You for Flying Lufthansa- ".
-------------------------------------
Delta Airlines
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
----------------------------------------
British Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
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Note: Some jokes are India centric.. If you are a foreigner, he he .. you may not understand. But still, there are other jokes here.
***
One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
***
How can Santa Singh Kill a Lion?
Santa Singh thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. JJJ
***india-centric.. hindi used ***
A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married;
Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
***
Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
***
SantaSingh : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying....
When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
***
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
***india -centric **indian company Ads used.
Man before Marriage is like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where ever U Go Our Network Follows."
***
SantaSingh : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
SantaSingh : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
***india-centric **hindi used
Dho Dost Suicide karne gaye, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari nafrat de Pareshani de Dukh de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha hai ki Reliance mein Job maang raha hai."
***
A cop stops a drunkard and asks him:
cop: Where r you going?
Dru: I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
cop: At night? And who will give a lecture?
Dru: My wife and mother-in-law!
***my favorite***
At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying "You are next, you are next." But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at
funerals...!!
***india-centric **indians would find it amusing.. since their culture is a strict 'for ever one man one woman' thing.
girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
boy : This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
***
God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law
***
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you